


I've gone too far to find you

by hawkeish



Series: DAI Codex Entries [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Letters, Prompt Fill, Red Lyrium, Regret, Short & Sweet, Sibling Love, Siblings, very much minus the sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26629786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeish/pseuds/hawkeish
Summary: Carver, a Templar, mysteriously disappears in early 9:41 Dragon; Hawke writes to Aveline about their worry for their brother, and their regret about abandoning them.Written to fill the DAI Codex Entries prompt 'something written about one of your OC’s regrets'.
Relationships: Hawke & Aveline Vallen, Hawke & Carver Hawke
Series: DAI Codex Entries [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934707
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	I've gone too far to find you

Aveline, I need you to know that I don’t blame you.

I know we’ve had our disagreements, but this isn’t your fault. You weren’t his keeper. You weren’t meant to babysit him once you got him out of Kirkwall. You were doing me a favour that I in no way deserved, not after everything with Anders. Not after choosing him. Not after running.

I fucked up. I know that. I should never have abandoned Carver. I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit, and now he could be ~~dead~~ ~~a monster~~ suffering, alone.

I didn’t know what that stuff does to you if you’re not a mage. Not the full extent, not really. I didn’t like what I saw in Samson, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. Told myself that that would never be my brother, because he’s a Hawke, and Hawkes are stronger than that.

That’s the truth. But I can only tell myself that so many times before it starts to sound like the flimsy fucking excuse that it is. The other truth is that I didn’t know because I didn’t care enough. I was too angry at his decision to realise what they were doing to him. And I see now that it doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter how strong you think you are. Addiction doesn’t care. Once you’re in, you’re in. Rutherford’s a cock, but it’s the one thing he’s right about: lyrium’s a leash. A death-wish.

Red lyrium’s worse. I don’t want to know what Carver might have become.

It’s my fault, because he never would have become a Templar if I hadn’t wanted all the glory. If I hadn’t wanted to keep him away—to protect him, yes, but also because _I_ was the scion. _I_ was the one with something to prove. That makes me the worst kind of monster, doesn’t it? The kind of monster who craves riches and fame and their own mother’s love so much that they damn their only brother to this fate.

You don’t have to answer that question.

You don’t have to answer this letter, either. I just wanted you to know that this is my fault, and I intend to find him. To save him, if needs be. I don’t care what it takes. He’s all I have left.

I hope you’re safe, and well. I’ll be back soon. Pray it’s with Carver in tow.

Hawke.

_\- A letter sent from Minrathous, found on Guard Captain Aveline Vallen-Hendyr’s desk in 9:41 Dragon. An abandoned, half-written response lies next to it._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this whilst eating breakfast & watching UNHhh, so I don't know what that says about me as a person  
> also, Carver doesn't become a Red Templar in my canon, but I was wondering how Hawke would react if he potentially did...
> 
> title from 'I Am All That I Need' by Fleet Foxes. thanks for reading!


End file.
